Double coincidence

A week gone. A few things of interest; warcraft guild imploded, to be replaced with basically the same guild within minutes. Most odd. Have got my work cut out at the moment, boning up on chemistry that I do, should, know, but am having trouble with just at the moment. Horrible feeling, makes you feel old and forgetful.

But the fun story of the weekend has yet to be told. Making scrambled eggs on Saturday, had a surprise to get a double-yolk egg. Quite a little treat! But then, later in the day, making pancakes for some nice dessert, there was another double-yolker from the same box of eggs! Quite a high dose of probability against that, eh? Please don't devolve into discussions of psychology about how we only notice that which we do not expect, I've heard it before.....but the event still makes me smile.

Keeping (ish) within my money worries at the moment, though I'll still have to keep a watch on it all. Especially since this month will be lower in value, owing to (non-swine-flu) sick days. Feeling good for not spending as much cash, and snacking on fruits at work. Could get used to it all....

Monday

Welcome to Monday. Walked into work again, and realising that it actually is only about as far as I used to walk to school - so a half hour trot if I keep up the pace - and that I've actually been benefiting from the exercise. And walking gives me time to think, even if I don't want to; no computer-based distractions out on the road. Whether this is a bad thing, given my current tendency to depression, I don't know.



Set up a tonne of reactions this morning, which will all hopefully be ready tomorrow and I'll have cut a huge slew through the backlog of work I needed to do. This should be the case, considering I've done all of these before and only need to fully characterise the intermediates which I used up last time around. Luckily I have a defined list rather than a nebulous 'variety' to make. Decisions, they are useful tools to deal with a life :-)



Watched several episodes of the Supersizers over the weekend, that's the show where Sue Perkins and Giles Coren (slightly less pompous in real life than in print) pretend to be living in the past and eating various gruesome items. Light relief really, and it appears I never tire of the look of Sue's face as she chows down on something particularly rank. Very expressive face, and a vocabulary to go with it. Perfect combination.



Big things are still happening in the background. Fear is tinged with optimism, but I think a lot is out of my control. And that's part of the problem, I'm more anally retentive than I gave myself credit for...



Please let me know about all your doings, bloggardes, it gets lonely in here sometimes.

Oops, three day lag!

Well, that's the first big pause. Not that I have much to say about the past few days apart from the fact that rigourous adherence to the sleeping plan has meant that I've been getting through the night undisturbed. Helped not doubt by the magic of earplugs. Even managed to do my normal hours down here at P's without a disturbance, though I've not been able to lie in.

Work has kinda settled down a little, though I still have lots to do and lots of stress about it. Plus I have a major issue that I don't want to talk about here just yet, as it bears a lot of thinking. So now I'm just going to enjoy the weekend :-)

Turning over a stone

Trying to finish stuff up at work, and it's like turning over a stone to find a whole bunch of interesting mud underneath. And now I have to investigate it - more time, more worry! It's exciting, but I kinda want to just draw a line and move on. Even if moving on is in fact moving back to the project I initially started two years ago, but needs to be given a nice finish too. So it's like going over the same ground again to collect the whole gamut of publishable data. Scientists will know what I'm talking about. For others, it's like being asked to dig out your bank statements from 5 years ago, but not being able to and having to reconstruct them from a big pile of receipts you saved 'just in case'.

So all in all, I have a lot to do, and that's even without considering the whole job hunting gaffe. Anyone want a part-time share in my life? I'll pay in cakes, and you get the use of my psyche at the weekend if you like.

P is out meeting a new friend this evening, so I don't quite know what to do with myself. Should log on to WoW, but am feeling a bit like I should be doing something more active. Though I did walk home in the pissing rain. I think the exercise is actually good for me, though it rapidly it has already become a chore. Can't wait for the weekend. I want to show P a little bit of a good time, for putting up with me miseryguts these past few weekends, but I'm not sure what to do. Suggestions welcome, but bear in mind I don't want to blow my well-started sensible spending! I want to buy him things without giving the impression that I resent it.

Time to finish off my veggie stir-fry. Yum.

A simple achievement

Woop-de-do! I managed to sleep a lot better last night, not soundly all the way through, but there has been considerable improvement. Having looked up a lot of tips about good sleep practice online (gotta love teh internet), I tried out some of them and they did help. Though why they insist on calling it all 'sleep hygiene' I'll never know.

So, I did wake up at around midnight, and had the boiler knocking as it did before.....but I managed to get back to sleep again. In the first instance where bam I was wide awake, I got up, went into the other room and sat down with the intention to read a little. Almost instantly I was yawning my head off and within a couple of minutes was back in bed for the next stretch! Other wake-ups I just turned over in bed and got on with it. So though I'm not feeling totally refreshed and lalala this morning, I'm a helluva lot better than yesterday.

Some other tips for you: abstinence from caffeine after lunch (and obviously not too much beforehand either) - so that includes no tea, no coke, no red bull (yuck). I had the little idea of taking my bike leathers down from hanging on the door, so that I could actually close it fully for the first time in ages, making myself a little bedroom haven divided from my worldly worries and condiusive to sleep. I shall be doing that one again.

And now I'm at home waiting for the man with a van to arrive to take away my bike. The original one that went smash back in 2007 and has been parked up outside ever since. About bloody time, and will be one thing off my mind! Should've just got rid straight off - and that's something I'm going to be trying to do in future, deal with things as they come in (if I can) and not leave them to fester and niggle and get old.

After that, it'll be a brisk walk to work, dropping off my suits to be dry-cleaned along the way (been a while since I've needed to wear one), and then lots of computer-desk-work stuff to do once I arrive. And a reaction to work up. Back in the lab for a short period!

Absolutely knackered

Dear all,

Jon-ster is feeling particularly tired today, having woken up for the first time at half past midnight, and then only slept intermitently since.....not good. And I usually sleep so deeply and well down at P's courtesy of his much better mattress! Mine, I shall have to replace it soon, and to be fair - it was actually P's in the first place.

So, now I'm home, still no insurance check though I rang them up and apparently it was chased today....equity star do not offer a fast service, it appears, though can't say enough good things about Carole Nash.....and I've arranged a financial planning meeting and I've rung to have my old GS bike taken away to the scrapheap. Ay me! About bloody time I did it, though of course it is going to mean sacrificing my little parking space - and the weeds that have sprung up under the wheels will get flattened down by merciless car tyres once again.

Re-writing my CV and for a chemist-type position it's looking pretty good! Doesn't bode too well if I want to switch to something else, though....those of you readers working in recruitment and HR, please tell me any tips you have :D Though I've already conned a friend from theatre here to help me out on that front.

I'm flitting between tasks at the moment, though, so I think I'm going to take a moment to stop, breathe, and concentrate on one thing.

Sunday

Another early wakening, but this time I dug in and tried to force myself to sleep, and I'm pretty sure I got off again, though it did take a while. Hopefully I can keep on doing so once I'm home again, and I think part of the problem is the piss-poor quality of the mattress at home. So though my intentions of not spending money still hold good, I think I'll have to invest in a new mattress. I'm almost tempted to ask my landlord to remove the old bedstead, so I can sleep on the floor, but that might be just too trashy for words.

Have been looking up alternatives to my phone plan, since I seem to be paying a bomb for it. Silly me flung out all my bills though, so I haven't got a baseline reference to look at, but the plan I'm on should be costing less, so I'm either making a helluva lot of calls, or texts, or I don't know what else. Maybe there's an after-seven thing with the cheap calls that I'm not sticking to.....either way, as I said before, I need to manage it a bit more, and I think that I've found a way to do it, though it does mean not having a new phone with it. Anyhow.

Paid in some dollars to my account that I've had hanging around with me for years, right back to when I didn't go to Peru, but never changed them back. Well, they've gone in and are making my account look healthier, but I don't really want to just spend them off pat as it is, 'cos in a way it was a little money bolthole.

But for something more interesting. Met up with my sister on Saturday, was boggled in mind by the way my neices are growing up so quickly and one is now definitely a little person rather than some baby/toddler/dribbling lump. Had a long sit and a long chat in a cafe, basically therapy on my part with lots of sobbing, bawling and being a bit childish, but it was good to let it all out, and it has built up my confidence somewhat and also motivated me to sort out something with Gran's legacy and pensions and the like. Big grown-up decisions to be made, all about stuff that I really don't find interesting, didn't really ever want to deal with, but now is apparently one of the most important things you need to do. Bummer.

Have also come down to see P again on Saturday evening, and have been spending a lazy Sunday. But I think I'm going to have to have a weekend or so at home, just so I can try and fix some of the money things (thank god banks open Saturday these days), though it is a lot shit staying away. I get lonely and frankly quite bored not being around people.

Might go and have a little nap....

Early morning

It is early for a Saturday, no? Yes it is. However, there is a reason, I'm off to see my sister in a bit, and the byzantine behaviours of London transport mean that I have to leave very early to get to her at a reasonable time. And then there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth, for I have to make some big apologies for being a bit of a crap brother, get things off my chest, and explain my current worries.

It's also partly due to the fact that I seem to be very restless these days. I'm waking up regularly at about 4:40 every morning, just as it's getting a bit lighter outside, and then >boom< my brain kicks in and all the worries I'm having surface. And lying in bed with not much to do means I'm perfectly set up to just go round in little worrying circles, and this is of course not condusive to sleep. So hopefully I'll sort out my worries soon and rest more easily.

I've actually started thinking about all those niggling things that I've been putting off because they're painful. And tasks that seem to just sit and never get done, I will finish them off! Life cleansing, I suppose, and with my new found drive to cut back on money, means I should be able to concentrate on these things a bit more.

Right, breakfast time.

Eeek!

Bet you've all had those bank statements moments? I've had a big one today. Don't really look at them except to check that there's no enormous payments I don't remember making, but I've noticed that I'm spending right on the limit of my means, and sometimes beyond it. Of course, this is not good, since when you spend more than you earn, thereby leads the way to Newgate. And we don't want that, do we?

So, basically, we have to make some cuts. First thing will be my profligate mobile phone bill, which seems to have been increasing of late as I've been calling people, and obviously the insurance people, in the middle the day, which is when I have to pay. So all calls except for essential stuff will be made at the end of the day - and I do count ringing at least one friend at lunchtime essential at the moment :-)

Next up will be my coffee habit at work. Even though it's incredibly cheap, that only tempts me to buy even more! So no more. No more coffee, no more coke in the afternoon (water will be better for me in any case, with my skin), I shall drink the slightly insipid free machine teaand coffee, and lump it. Likely to save me a somewhere between a fiver and a tenner a week, but it's something, especially if switching will bring some benefits. And no more snacks.

No more eating out either. Harsh when I visit P, 'cos it's nice to do (and you all know my foodie leanings), and no more takeaways. Since being introduced to internet ordering, I've been, well, not free and easy with it, but the temptation is omnipresent. So no more. And I'm afraid, no more at P's either. Not to mention that a slight reduction in diet will be good for me! Time to start living on veggie dishes, little pieces of bacon, liver if I can get it, and plenty of rice. Inspiring diet? Hardly, but it'll do me good to get cooking random stuff again, and not my regular things. And if I'm truly clever, then taking things to work is an option, so no need to buy loads of bread and sandwich fillings! More to the point, hopefully no more need to supplement food I make at home with more at work. I shall be limiting my food spending as much as I can, hopefully I can get by relatively healthily on twenty quid a week, though store-cupboard is not looking well-stocked right now. And I'm sure I'll get sick of tuna quickly. And of course we take to the non-branded stuff.

Not sure what to do about my bike situation; the insurance premium will be a huge expense for me, but I've already got all the kit I need and petrol at the current rate will probably cost me about £15 a week (with no runs to Brighton or otherwise out), less if I trek to the cheaper stations in Camberley. Maintenance lube will of course put up my prices, but the train costs me about £15 a week as it is. I'm not sure on this one. The walk to work will do me good, but will get very unpleasant once the autumn arrives with wet and nasty all over the place - not to mention the dark. Unfortunately few people live over in my direction, and always cadging lifts will become a problem.....though I think I will approach Anja, who lives around the corner, for morning lifts once winter comes....annoying that single train tickets are almost as expensive as returns, since it means I only make a real saving if I walk both ways.

Entertainment wise.....NO MORE BOOKS! This will be harsh, no question. But I have a nasty habit of blowing fifty quid on things every once in a while, when I have a perfectly good library (and plenty of internet), all for free. Perhaps time for me to go to Bagshot library and see what's on offer....might be worthwhile :-)

Sounds pretty bleak, eh? I've been lulled into false security with my Gran's legacy, but I will have to be careful not to just piss it slowly, slowly away, as that would be a real waste. I reckon I'm more sensible to make some cuts now, rather than wait until I really am in the lurch or am jobsearching without any income for any length of time. Life may be a little bit sad, but I'm going to keep blogging - fun! - and doing things I already get as part of an essential, or that I already have. Warcraft I will continue to pay for, not too expensive across a month, really, and I do get a lot of use.

Only trouble is living here and accessing other people and things to do. Don't fancy the prospect of walking to Windlesham for theatre all the time, but since Im not in the current play it's less of an issue, but it does preclude even a social visit. Pah, I'm sure I'll cope. But the potential isolation is a really good arguement for reinvesting in a bike, though it'll have to be the cheapest that is commensurate with good running sense - cant have one that falls to bits......


Conclusion: it is good that I have noticed my issues, and can immediately cut back, but it may be a bit unpleasant. Never mind, I can cope. I lived for that summer in southampton before starting the phd on little more than rice, bacon and carrots, and whilst things aren't quite so dire just yet, I can cope well.

(And P, this is me budgeting a train trip to you every weekend as part of the 'fixed costs' - that's too important to me to try and give up! Though I will have to start getting late Sunday trains home again; but a good reason to get the bike again would be to be able to park at a more convenient station for the weekend, and come home late as possible....hmmm, lots to think about)


Tips and advice greatly received!

I was right

Well, it didn't last long, and I'm having a little tizzy again tonight! I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, essentially, but it is often the case when you are so close up to things and don't know precisely your own mind or what you can do. Life is just big and scary sometimes, and I wish I could have P's more phlegmatic attitude of basically enjoy it while you can and get on with it. Maybe I need to get on the drugs after all!

Well, there is a history of mental illness in my cousins now, so perhaps I've got it too? Who knows. It'll probably show up in a humilliating situation and then I'll be right done for. Perhaps I should lop off my legs and then have to live in a bungalow? Random statement, shows the way my brain is currently working!

Fourth day and still here!

Not much to really comment on, I suppose. I'm feeling more upbeat today, but I reckon it won't last too long.....I'm feeling better as I move towards completing items of work, but there's always more to follow!

Off raiding (WoW) tonight, should be interesting....and unusual, since P won't be coming along for the first time in a while!

Seeing my sis at the weekend, kinda looking forward to it.

Quick one

Short one today, because I'm very tired and keen to promote 'sleep hygeine' and so I'll be off to bed in a bit. Since my boiler was fixed, it seems to have become much, much louder in the middle of the night as it heats up the water, and so I've been distrubed in my sleep (which is disturbed anyway at the moment). Do me good to get some good 8 hours under my belt.

P tells me that the main character in the new computer game he bought has the same name as me. And someone at work saw my name plastered all across the side of a butcher's van! Small world.....

Keep it on up!

Well, I said I'd make more of an effort, so here we are....though I make no promises about post length; it may be just little thought about food, or about lunch, but....

I'm feeling a lot better about myself today. Have spoken to the boss and to several other people and am feeling quite a bit more relaxed about what I have to do next. Scary thoughts still, but I think I'll be more than OK; the question is just how soon I'm going to get there!

Back at home - well, I'm not going to call it home anymore on here, because it's more 'where I happen to live right now', since home is definitely in one place, and that's with P. And I suppose my home-home that I grew up in, and where my Dad still lives home. Odd thought that he still is there, and that house is still full to the gills with lots of my old stuff, that I don't know what I'm going to do with. Our family being the hoarders that we are, I've kept quite a lot, a lot of stuff over the years that fills me with hard memories sometimes, but I can't bear to throw it away. Feels heartless, you know? Like hacking yourself away from the past, even though it is the past and isn't about to happen again anytime soon. Daft, but there you are.

But yes, back at home, and have cooked some dinner for tomorrow, made lunch and had some sandwiches, and now the evening is my own. Not sure what to do with it, but I reckon I'm going to just totally chill out, not worry about things and maybe do some reading or relaxed WoW. And definitely have a bath, since my skin is quite dry after yesterday's little dip in the sea. No infections from dirty seawater just yet.

Weather is a little bit crazy at the moment, hope it's nice again tomorrow as it really is still too warm for a coat, but if it's damp, then I can't do without the cover!

Blimey

Soon? What a lie. But I've been semi-ordered by P to start blogging again, and I think it will be good for my wellbeing in general to get thoughts back down onto paper/computer screen.....

Basically, I'm in a lot of a rut. And feeling like a bit of a failure. At the moment I have slightly less than a year left on my postdoctoral contract, and at the moment feel like I have very little to show for it; whether this is my fault, is a good question. But I feel as if I don't have anything to say >this is what I have achieved< in the past three years. This is not a good thing as regards future job prospects.

And to be honest, I don't know that there are any prospects out there at the moment; and I severely lack a publication record, something that for research scientists is rather critical, no? I have the two papers out from my PhD, but nothing since, so not really anything from the past four years.....and though I'm trying hard to get something out of what I currently am doing, I'm not hopeful that it will go through, and it's aches, pains and groans regarding pushing it through. It's hard to not start doubting yourself, and thinking you're good for nothing.....whereas I know I do work hard, do try hard and am methodical....but it's convincing someone of that to give you work that is hard.

And you know? I'm not sure I want to do all the research thing anymore. No, not true, I do want to do it but I think it might be bad for me to keep doing it, as it will shrink down my opportunities ever more....and I don't want that. So a career switch might be in order, but I've no idea where to start!

Part of what is making me unhappy is the prospect of a permanently long-distance relationship with P. I want to be nearer him, more of the time; I see other people who've had long-distance relationships and I know that it's hard. I've experienced it as being hard.....and I want to move to be nearer him, and see him more. The trouble is, I don't know if that will ever be able to happen. This makes me sad, but it also makes me scared, based on things that P has said to me in the past. He is just saying what he feels, and I understand him. It is all difficult.

.....so, I've in the last week been seriously thinking about what I can do. The most likely option is to continue to try and work what I'm currently doing, though this may whip me further away from P, for longer, and maybe even further. Because I will have to go to where I can find the work, no? Which maybe means living close, working in London or something, but equally it could mean moving ever further away. So another option is to go back to the graduate recruitment thing and try and flip into a new career - wow, is that ever scary, because I've no real idea of what else to do! A third option that has popped into my head, is to move into pharmacy, retrain and register....but that would mean another five years of training, and still no guarantee of being satisfied at the end! Because, though I reckon there are plenty of opportunities out there for pharmacy (something which I am investigating), it may not lead to a career closer to P....you see where I am thinking with all this? Also, I'd have to start properly considering applying now to start next year, which is a scary prospect.....so I'm basically going to have to jack in the effort at work to make enquiries.

Of course, I could just jack it all in and work in a very basic job to just get by....and then I could live where I like and be around who I want! Not really a financially viable situation, though one that does appeal, becauase it gets me what I want. To a certain degree.

I'd appreciate getting back in contact with people again, because I've been naughty about that, and don't want to lose friends completely.....but anyhow......