Blimey

Soon? What a lie. But I've been semi-ordered by P to start blogging again, and I think it will be good for my wellbeing in general to get thoughts back down onto paper/computer screen.....

Basically, I'm in a lot of a rut. And feeling like a bit of a failure. At the moment I have slightly less than a year left on my postdoctoral contract, and at the moment feel like I have very little to show for it; whether this is my fault, is a good question. But I feel as if I don't have anything to say >this is what I have achieved< in the past three years. This is not a good thing as regards future job prospects.

And to be honest, I don't know that there are any prospects out there at the moment; and I severely lack a publication record, something that for research scientists is rather critical, no? I have the two papers out from my PhD, but nothing since, so not really anything from the past four years.....and though I'm trying hard to get something out of what I currently am doing, I'm not hopeful that it will go through, and it's aches, pains and groans regarding pushing it through. It's hard to not start doubting yourself, and thinking you're good for nothing.....whereas I know I do work hard, do try hard and am methodical....but it's convincing someone of that to give you work that is hard.

And you know? I'm not sure I want to do all the research thing anymore. No, not true, I do want to do it but I think it might be bad for me to keep doing it, as it will shrink down my opportunities ever more....and I don't want that. So a career switch might be in order, but I've no idea where to start!

Part of what is making me unhappy is the prospect of a permanently long-distance relationship with P. I want to be nearer him, more of the time; I see other people who've had long-distance relationships and I know that it's hard. I've experienced it as being hard.....and I want to move to be nearer him, and see him more. The trouble is, I don't know if that will ever be able to happen. This makes me sad, but it also makes me scared, based on things that P has said to me in the past. He is just saying what he feels, and I understand him. It is all difficult.

.....so, I've in the last week been seriously thinking about what I can do. The most likely option is to continue to try and work what I'm currently doing, though this may whip me further away from P, for longer, and maybe even further. Because I will have to go to where I can find the work, no? Which maybe means living close, working in London or something, but equally it could mean moving ever further away. So another option is to go back to the graduate recruitment thing and try and flip into a new career - wow, is that ever scary, because I've no real idea of what else to do! A third option that has popped into my head, is to move into pharmacy, retrain and register....but that would mean another five years of training, and still no guarantee of being satisfied at the end! Because, though I reckon there are plenty of opportunities out there for pharmacy (something which I am investigating), it may not lead to a career closer to P....you see where I am thinking with all this? Also, I'd have to start properly considering applying now to start next year, which is a scary prospect.....so I'm basically going to have to jack in the effort at work to make enquiries.

Of course, I could just jack it all in and work in a very basic job to just get by....and then I could live where I like and be around who I want! Not really a financially viable situation, though one that does appeal, becauase it gets me what I want. To a certain degree.

I'd appreciate getting back in contact with people again, because I've been naughty about that, and don't want to lose friends completely.....but anyhow......