Wednesday
And it is Wednesday. I've totally lost track of the days, what with not having to demonstrate this week. Bit of a bugger.
Still missing Patrick, with a heavy heart. It's bad, and totally craving-worthy of me, in a buddhist sense. That's all kinda flown out of the window, really, the whole meditation thing! One thing though, it has thrown into sharp focus just how alone I feel up here right now. I dont seem to do anything these days at all; feeling out of sorts, I just dont know what to do with myself or be honest with people and say that I really feel a bit like crap. It's all my own fault for sitting on my arse, I guess, but I just dont have people to go and see, and do the silly things of life and just get by. Friends, sure, are just a phone call away, but it isnt the same. And having had more human contact and hugs over the past weekend than I've had for as long as I can remember, it just plain hurts.
Basically, I need to get myself out and about. But it's more than a little scary, and I keep thinking to myself that now I understand just how Dad felt in those weeks and days just after Mum died. I should really go and see him this weekend. Actually, that's not a bad idea! Have to ring ahead and say though, perhaps tomorrow....putting things off as usual.......plus I owe him the money.....and thinking of which, maybe I should check my bank balance!
I'm being very bad at expressing myself here. I think I'm just on a little bit of a downer, after the huge high of the weekend. And dont know what to do with myself. And the world still turns, despite it all.
Arse, Jon, you're waxing lyrical and it's all a load of bollocks! Eat, and get thyself outside and look at the moon and remember: this being, that becomes - this not being, that does not become. And a little cry might do you the world of good. Natch.
Still missing Patrick, with a heavy heart. It's bad, and totally craving-worthy of me, in a buddhist sense. That's all kinda flown out of the window, really, the whole meditation thing! One thing though, it has thrown into sharp focus just how alone I feel up here right now. I dont seem to do anything these days at all; feeling out of sorts, I just dont know what to do with myself or be honest with people and say that I really feel a bit like crap. It's all my own fault for sitting on my arse, I guess, but I just dont have people to go and see, and do the silly things of life and just get by. Friends, sure, are just a phone call away, but it isnt the same. And having had more human contact and hugs over the past weekend than I've had for as long as I can remember, it just plain hurts.
Basically, I need to get myself out and about. But it's more than a little scary, and I keep thinking to myself that now I understand just how Dad felt in those weeks and days just after Mum died. I should really go and see him this weekend. Actually, that's not a bad idea! Have to ring ahead and say though, perhaps tomorrow....putting things off as usual.......plus I owe him the money.....and thinking of which, maybe I should check my bank balance!
I'm being very bad at expressing myself here. I think I'm just on a little bit of a downer, after the huge high of the weekend. And dont know what to do with myself. And the world still turns, despite it all.
Arse, Jon, you're waxing lyrical and it's all a load of bollocks! Eat, and get thyself outside and look at the moon and remember: this being, that becomes - this not being, that does not become. And a little cry might do you the world of good. Natch.
posted by J at 8:18 PM
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