Memory Lane

Isn't Friends Reunited both a wonderful and hideous thing? Just been having another perusal and stirred up very few memories, either good or bad. The more scary aspect is that, having seen many photos and recognising everyone there, I couldnt put a name to lots of them! This is a scary thing, as it never used to happen to me and the idea of creeping old age is upon me. An old chestnut I know, but a couple of hundred years ago, I'd be considered a very middle-aged man and quite past it! Certainly puts paid to my eidetic memory.

Still, got me wondering about what happened to everyone else from school. You see, I completely lost touch with everyone there, some almost instantly and others over the course of the following years. Part of this was due to my year away in Germany, so I never got the chance to catch up with everyone come first university holidays. Part of this was due to the wilful neglect on my part, shockingly bad form considering some of the nice people I did it to, and part of this was due to a redefiinng of myself and not wanting to return to the person I had played at school. To some extent all of this still holds, but I would be curious to know what other people ended up doing. And how they remember various events. Curiosity of the n-th degree, not that it'll come to anything because most people will probably be either a) loath to meet people they havent seen in nearly ten years, and b) I woulndt go myself either!

Makes me think about whether I've actually done anything to be proud of. Well, on a superficial level I know I have - quite a lot, really - but I have a niggling impression that I could have done more. A lack of satisfaction in what I've achieved. Or perhaps that others will think that of me. Hmmmm. Or, even worse, intense jealousy of others who've done a lot more, when I feel I deserve it. Not a pretty sight, eh? Still, I think I'm more accepting of my identity as a non-entity than I was, but still.......maybe the 'what if' game isnt something I should ever play.

And so back to thinking about where my life is going at present. Not very far in some respects! But to be fair, a large part of me just wants to rest for a few years and not have to do anything. This is not really a viable option if I dont want to live from hand to mouth for the rest of my life - or is it? I get the niggling suspicion that I'm never going to be truly satisfied, and having realised it, there's never going to be a contentment in just coasting. But every day, and in every way, it gets a little more difficult.

And where I really want to be right now is with P. Any generous people willing to pay me for writing this crap, I'll be most grateful!